Bless Them on Memorial Day

Memorial Day, like St. Patrick’s Day, is a time for annoying douchebags to loudly proclaim their patriotism and pride in their roots, in between drinking and playing video games. But really, we should be remembering those who sacrificed for this country. I’ll ask for blessings for a few. God bless the Marine who finally made…


Death: The Great Equalizer

The internet, the greatest invention in the world, has probably ruined everyone’s life at least once. I’ve been fired, ridiculed, rejected and otherwise scorned because of things I have said on the internet or things other people have said about me. It happens. The good news is, because it happens to everyone at one point,…


When They Don’t Pay…Or The Check Bounces

I picked up my very first suicide a few months after I started in this business. I didn’t know he was a suicide until I unwrapped him and saw the electrical cord still around his neck. It made me cry. I was actually a sensitive person, long ago. It was just he and his mother,…


When Your Hobby Kills You

If you’re sick of dieting to lose weight, you can always eat rat poison. Your body temperature will soar and you will experience rapid weight loss just before you die. Many of you know I’m a competitive bodybuilder. I got into bodybuilding to get stronger for the mortuary business, and within my first year of…


Dead People and Disease

My last post prompted a few questions about what diseases one can catch from a dead body, so I will cover the most common concerns here. The dead are, almost always, no more dangerous than the living. Touching the intact skin of a dead body, even a body that has been dead for days, is…


What Scares Me

“I thought you said this kid was a homicide.” I had come to work expecting a gunshot-exploded face, a three-day job. Not a mark on the body. Perfectly intact head. Perhaps it was a mistake. “Stabbing. Right here.” He pointed out an almost indiscernible slit on the guy’s chest, between two ribs. Less than an…


I’ll Pray For You

Here’s a better idea: DO SOMETHING! Here are suggestions of things that will help a dying person or the recently bereaved. 40 Things More Useful Than Prayer 1. Give a cancer patient a ride to chemo 2. Clean the house of someone who is hospitalized, or buy them a month of maid service 3. Cook…


How Does One Lose A Human Body?

Where did you last see it? Retrace your steps. One of my employees called me today to tell me that the airline lost the body. It was shipped to a city that was an 8-hour drive from its intended destination. The funeral home in the wrong city then charged the pissed-off family to re-ship it…


About Organ Donation

It’s basically a huge scam. If you feel good about yourself because you signed up to be an organ donor, I am here to ruin your day. In order to donate organs, you have to specify this in a legal document – the “D” on your drivers license is not enough. Also, you need to…


Just Follow The Instructions

People are often surprised that I can cook. I never understood why. Can’t everyone? You just get a cookbook, get the ingredients and do what the recipe says. Except it doesn’t always work that way. Ten people following the same recipe will produce a dish that slightly varies in ten different ways. I don’t know…