First, I am sorry to hear that your life has gotten to the point where you would rather be dead than deal with the pain of living.
The problem is…relief from pain is a feeling. You have to be alive to feel it. You will not find that relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.
Most likely you have felt this way for a long time, yet you are still alive. Why do you think that is? What is it that keeps you going every day?
Can you think of anything about your life that, if it changed, would make you want to live?
Do you have any plans for the next week, the next month, the next few months that might keep you alive a little bit longer?
I of course want to keep you alive, but not only that, I want to help fix whatever is wrong in your life that makes you want to escape it.
Suicide is an extremely difficult act to accomplish, and is rarely painless. I see it every day; you don’t. And I see the botched suicides; those who thought it would be over quickly but instead died over a couple of days in agony, wishing they could take back what they have done. Drugs are not a painless way to die. People who have lived through attempted drug suicides tell me they would never try that again. Their bodies were wracked with painful spasms and they had uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea. When I receive a body who has died from old age, he is lying straight and his face is peaceful. When I receive a suicide body, his eyes and mouth are open, his face twisted in fear, and his body contorted as he tries in vain to undo what is happening.
Your self-protection instinct is incredibly strong. If someone tried to hit you, you would duck. If a car sped up toward you, you would jump out of the way. These instincts are ingrained to protect you from dying, and when you try to make yourself die, they still kick in.
Life is absolutely horrible sometimes, but an early death rarely comes to those who want it. The only hope for these people is to help them get to a place where life is slightly less horrible. And maybe after that, it gets downright tolerable, and finally one day, enjoyable.
I can’t say when or if that enjoyment will come to you. I am certain that you can learn to deal with the crappy parts of life as they come up, and the most important thing in my life is helping you.
What activities bring you a temporary sense of peace and comfort? Don’t worry about expense or logistics; just try and think of things that make you feel better about yourself and your life.
Everyone wants to help you but you might need to teach us how.